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So i think it was last weekend Andrew had a party and it was pretty fun. This time the cops didnt show up so it was a little bit better... haha. I took Neals V-Card that night and i was pretty happy to do it at the time... but he is at Amherst now and he decided he doesnt want something serious so today was the first day in a looong time that i cried over a guy... im kinda miffed that i seemed to get fucked over with every guy i like but i dont understand where i fuck up.
Tyler moved to RI and left Rachael so at least he is taking a step in the right direction and hopefully hes gonna do something with his life. Hes not a bad kid he just needs to pick himself up and try to be sucessful.
Im really kinda upset about Neal. I really liked him and i fell for him pretty quick... its kinda fucked up since yah know.. he was telling all kinds of people that we were together and then a couple days before he was to leave he tells me hes gonna hang out with Jacob and i bump into him at the mall with his ex girlfriend... and that kinda hurt really bad... and then he is like basically every other fucking guy and just leaves me behind and then goes off to amherst.
Oh, and the icing on the cake... my asshole manager brian made me walk outta my job on saturday and now i have to wait til thursday to find out if i get it back.. in the meantime i got another job so it would really suck if i lost my job at regal cause i love the people there but at least  i can still put money in the bank....
anyways im off to bed for now since im tired and i just want this long weekend to be over.. so yeah peace.

Just another day...

Im going to be honest... its really hard to get over tyler. I think about him more than id like to admit. It sucks, but i think im gradually getting over him. 
Ive been hanging out with Dan H and this other kid named Steve Ward who is wicked chill. I dont get to see krista as often as id like because shes going out with tom tremarche but ill survive lol... especially since when she gets outta highschool next yr we are going to rent her dads house in sterling for 500 bucks a month and its going to be  awesome!!!!!
All i do now is effin work. it sucks. although cassandra got a job there so now its okay. 
I gauged my ears to 8s today :D which is awesome considering i skipped like three sizes. 
i think im going over kevins/dans/tylers tomorro [no tyler isnt gonna be there] and me and krista are gonna bring lindsay because dan can do so much better then natalie. 
Natalie and i arent talking anymore because she cant seem to keep her mouth shut about me. She likes to talk shit and call me over obsessive and likes to tell everyone that im playing with alans head just because i hang out with him again. ... its so gay and im sick of her highschool drama. ugh. 
anyway im tired and i havent gotten decent sleep in a while so imma peace out. 
lots of love <3 
Tyler broke up with me three days before our two month anniversery. I dont understand why it still hurts but it does. I didnt go out w him for a very long time but i really  liked him. It sucks real bad. He said he didnt have enough time for a girlfriend and its him not me. It still sucks seeing him and wanting to be with him still. I guess some things just dont work out. :( Him, george v, george doyle, dan convery, kevin, chris, krista, greg and me all went to hampton beach last thursday and it was a good time. It actually sucked a little seeing tyler just enjoying himself and all these girls beeping at him and waving at him. He was the second boyfriend i ever really cared about. Im so sick of getting effed over by guys. 

This kid Austin likes me but i really just dont want anything to do with guys right at this moment. I need time to get over tyler. I have been hanging out with Dan H from work but there is a whole drama involved in that since thats rachaels ex and i dont really have any interest in dating anyone and i want to make that blatantly clear. 

Me and Krista did go to the chiodos MxPx and drop dead gorgeous concert last night and that was amazing.  We moshed and got really into it. I forgot what i really was gonna say at the end because my mom had to interupt me to ask what i was doing although i thought it was fcking obvious im typing on the computer. I dont give a shit about school anymore hence, im supposed to be in class right now and i just dont care. 

Thats about all though becaus i need to leave the house because my mom is home and i dont feel like dealing with her. So yeah. 

Heres some new juicy information

I got a boyfriend now named tyler and hes the biggest sweetheart. I actually met him through his friend dan who yelled his number randomly at me and natalie one night on west boylston st in worcester. Then they came to the theater and visited and then i ended up chilling with them for a while and me and tyler ended up dating. Mom and dad met him the other night and they seem to like him. Hes 20 yrs old and he owns his own apartment in rutland and his group of friends are really cool. the only shitty thing is he works night at the big y so he sleeps alot during the day but i still stay over his house on his nights off. My dad caught on pretty quick. My parents know i smoke butts now. dad said im 18 so its my decision but he said he still frowns upon it.  I really like tyler though. ill get a good pic of him up here soon enough. When he lets me take a picture that is lol.

Labor Day Party

Was awesome. I got so drunk though. I drunk dialed a couple of people. 
Alan dumped me because i drank with my father's permission. 
I hate that but i mean there is nothing i can do. 
Oh and my car died. 
Its fixable though. 
Thank god cause i love my grand am. 
But i got to see Arielle. 
and ashley k and nikki. 
Good times. 
Jackie Brown said he would beat up alan but he was drunk and kidding around.
But i mean i should be able to do stuff. 
I was getting drunk with all girls. 
So it wasnt like iwas gonna do something dumb. 
anyways later. 

Do you have a pause button??

Okay basic update....
I went to ians party monday it was fun. Good times and fun memories. 
gonna miss all my friends going off to college. 


alex just texted me. totally outta the blue. 
She wants to talk. rationally.  and she came through about us being friends and such. 
I dunno what made her like totally turn tables. 
I guess i miss my bff :(
im gonna talk to her now. 

Kay, Heres the Deal...

So since i have written in here last i actually took two real trips. 

Last monday i went to Providence RI with Pete and Eileen to see Emis fashion show. It was ahhmazing...and of course Emi' dress was amazing!! 
then we chilled and went to fire and ice and then went to the providence place mall and then to her dorm @ RISD [Rhose Island School of Design] and it was fun....then we went home. good times. 

Yesterday...Myself and Natalie took a totally spontaneous road trip to boston...and the funniest thing is...our parents didnt even know. they thought we were at the movies the whole time watching the bourne ultinatum. We literally saw a highway sign that said boston and said "lets go!!" and we went lol. We got there and drove around Chinatown looking for a bathroom lol and then went to Quincy Market where we had food and browsed stores and stuff. then we totally winged it and miraculously made it back in time lol. wow. ..it was the best road trip ever. 

im too lazy to really go into detail though lol. 

Updates on everything else. People still hate me. Uhmmm...Me and alan are back together but he acts like he doesnt give a crap about me anymore and its really really really sad. :( He said yesterday when we hung out that he never missed me more in his life when he was at the cape and then today he acted like he didnt even care if he saw me or not. :(((
it makes me sad. 

Then i went out to camp on friday to saturday and that was quite the experience. I swam like the entire weekend so that was really nice. It was only me Kc colette kelsey and justin. We went canoeing and stuff and i have pics on myspace from it. Good times then. Except when it thundered because i was freaked out!! lol. Anyways....enough for now. peace.

Confusion..And this is how its dealt.

A text message. A god damn text message
Fury, rage and worry. 
A Phone call. More worry. Is he lying to me?
past events....a trip with a bad outcome. 
He best not lie to me again. 
Where do i stand in his mind. 
What does a break mean to him. 
My friends. with me. Supporting me. 
A crush. No follow up. 
A danger. An ugly hated girl 
hopefully past wont repeat itself
So much frustration
hatred buiding up.
Messy hair....thick eyeliner
memories build.
she tries to smile at me.
conniving little wench.
Fists clench at the sight of her.
jealously? not even close.
Tense. feeling of doom
Sick empty feeling in my stomach
Not again. 

Oh and here is an Update.....

So me and alan took a badly needed break.
Because we were suffocating each other.
And now its not so bad.

Been going out late lately. 
went to brandons a couple of times. 
for campfires and such. 
Or to hang with the regal crew. 

Had a campfire the other night. 
with brett, peter, alex, mikeg, and grady
I was up til 4 am outside.
it was fun. cept i stepped on a marshmellow.

Im gonna miss all my friends when they go away to college.
cept right now im not too happy.
with my piece of shit car.
and i wanna move out. because i cant live with mom anymore.

me and grady are back to being good friends again. 
Im also tight with brandon now. Hes wicked chill. 
Same with eric. Eric is one of my closest at regal. 
some stuff turned around. 
Otherwise its all a mess.

Heat Wave: Hot outside, Hot in the head.

I am unbelievably frustrated right now.
We have a pool that i CANT go swimming in because i dont have a bathing suit.
Why dont i have a bathing suit?
Because i went to the store to look for one and could not find one.
Because fucking every fucking gay store doesnt make bathing suits for anyone that has bigger then a size B.
Unless you want to wear an ugly old woman bathing suit. 
I couldnt fit in a single fucking bikini. You know how horrible that makes me feel. 
It makes me feel like shit. And not that i had all the time in the world. 
And  my mom tells me i cant wear bikinis i have to wear an old lady suit.
Because my mother makes me hurry so she can get home cause god forbid i look around. 
Doesnt matter because i would have to buy it anyway...god forbid my parents buy ANYTHING. 
PAy for my clothes, my hair, my college, my car, my cellphone...its no fucking wonder im broke.

then tom wants to go to the millbury mall to hang out.
Okay lets think common sense. 
I have no money. no money= no gas.
no gas= limited to where i can go.
im not going to hang at an outside mall when its like 105 outside.
cause i would have to go pick him up in oxford
drive back here
go to millbury to sit in the hot sun for no reason. 
then bring him home for 4:30
can you say a waste?
Oh but we could go swimming in my pool....IF I HAD A BATHING SUIT!

People just make me wanna bang my head against a wall.